William Dryden

Hogwarts, an enormous castle at night.
Murder School

Look, I get it. Ever since you were a kid, you’ve wanted to go to magic school. You read Harry Potter and thought, “wow, yes, now THAT is the life for me.” You waited and waited and were immensely disappointed that no owl showed up on your eleventh birthday.

Well, I’m here to tell you that owl showing up would have absolutely ruined your life. If I were to write out all the ways Hogwarts would traumatize, maim, or kill you, we’d be here all day. So here’s a video instead.

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Blurry image of a man violently stuffing a second cheeseburger into his mouth which is already full with a first cheeseburger.

I HAVE SPAT MUSTARD IN THE FACE OF GOD AND SURELY WILL FACE SORE PUNISHMENT FOR MY SESAME SINS.

A war still rages betwen Burger King and McDonald’s. The conflict ‘twixt clown and king has torn America asunder for decades. Families have been broken in the fight between Mac and Whopp. That’s because nobody has ever been smart enough to ask the most important question:

Which burger is better to just stuff right into your mouth all at once? Two of them, even?

GREAT NEWS, YOU GET TO FIND OUT RIGHT NOW!

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By Will Dryden

Buena Vista, Virginia is a pizza town, and I’m a pizza expert. Despite its size, it manages to support three independent, locally owned pizza shops. But are all of them REALLY worth supporting? Is their food worth your hard/medium-earned money? Good news, cause you don’t even have to read to find that out!

FINAL SCORES (SPOILERS!)

Original: 1,000,000,016

Five and Dime: 2,000,000,024

Nick’s: 1,000,000,025

Thank you for watching and tune in next month for when I tell you why you’re wrong about Hogwarts.

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William Dryden

William Dryden

Junior, English major, Clown Afficionado