Your Christmas Playlist Is Terrible. Here are 5 Songs To Make It Worse
by Will Dryden
Let’s face it, Christmas music is awful. There’s a reason we only listen to it once a year: it would be absolutely insufferable if it wasn’t riding the coattails of your nostalgia. Seriously, just TRY to listen to Jingle Bell Rock at any point in March. It’s like watching a Marvel movie without anyone screaming and clapping in the background (just an entirely empty experience). Once you realize that, you’re free.
Yeah, your Christmas playlist is awful. So is everyone else’s. As far as I’m concerned, there’s really only one solution to this problem: lean into it. Choose the absolute worst of the worst. Make your holiday events into contests of endurance. Lucky for you, the local trash expert has curated the perfect playlist to get you started on your descent. So come on, let me be your guide through this winter dumpsterland.
5) “All I Want For Christmas Is You” by My Chemical Romance
The first time I heard this song, I thought it was a joke. Surely, there was no way Gerard Butler thought he could match Mariah Carey’s range. But alas, it was no joke. MCR actually did do this in real life. And if you’re looking for a weird, grungy garage Christmas vibe, this will fit that weirdly specific niche better than anything on the market. If you want anything else, you won’t find it here.
4) “MI BURRITO SABANERO EN CAMINO A BELEN”
If you have ever lived anywhere near a significant number of Latinos, you know this one already. It’s blasted from rooftops, doorsteps, and church halls. Parents will play it at home, kids will sing it in primary. And honestly, that fatigue is the only reason it’s on this list at all. Otherwise, the song slaps. It’s like if Feliz Navidad was good.
3) “Last Christmas” by Crazy Frog
If you’re like me, when you listen to any song for the first time, the first thing you think is, This would be so much better if there was a guy going ‘ding ding bam bam’ in the background. Lucky for both of us freaks, Crazy Frog is here to do exactly that. That is exactly what this song is. It’s just “Last Christmas” but he’s going brring brring bam bam during the chorus. And it improves the song by at least 200%
2) “Feliz Bottom Jeans”
Hey, remember that last song I said that was like the good version of Feliz Navidad? I lied. This is the good version of Feliz Navidad. Slip it into grandma’s Christmas brunch playlist and see how long it takes her to notice.
1) “Welcome to the Christmas Parade”
That’s right, we’re coming back to the iconic duo of Mariah Carey and Gerard Butler, except this time it’s not even ironically good. It’s just actually great. The experience of hearing the first verse of “Welcome to the Black Parade” over the holly jolly Christmas instrumentals is a life-changing moment. I have tried so many times to put it into words, but there’s just no way to explain it. The only thing I can tell you is to stop reading right now and go listen to it. Then write down the date and the exact time your brain did a one-handed cartwheel through your skull (but in a good way).
And that’s just scratching the surface of all the wonderful trash you can subject your family to this Holiday season. I didn’t even get into “Carol of the Burger King Foot Lettuce”, “Santa Claus is Making a Hit List”, or the endless world of Toad covers. For all that and more, check out the full playlist here.
